(Note I’m still working on a bunch of stuff, so.. please be patient and try to enjoy this it’s not my best work, but it’s all I have right now)
I was never taught about being lgbtq+ in school. I was never taught any words or terms. I barely heard whispers about some of them, and some of them I just heard out in the real world casually. And some of them I just had no clue about. I wasn’t taught about the lgbtq+ history, or problems, or successes, or anything like that. You know what? I’m still here, and I’m still lgbtq+. Not knowing anything about my community didn’t change who I was . But hiding it changed everything with how I felt about myself and at first how I felt about my identity.
Put yourself in my shoes, you live your whole life you’re told there’s only one normal way to be it can be one person or a bunch of people telling you this. You buy into it because you think okay, sure, I don’t get it, but maybe I will later. You feel a little out of place because girls can’t like girls, but you feel like what’s wrong with that? I could have a crush on either boys or girls (and girls are your preference anyways) . But it’s no big deal, maybe it’ll level out and you’ll only like boys by the end of it. Plus, it’s not the only thing making you unlike a lot of others of the same sex. But all those things will probably go away soon, right?
You’re 7, 2 years before going through puberty. You have your first major crush on a boy and think this is it. I understand everyone now. You don’t say it out loud, but you finally think I’m normal about something finally. Time passes, and the crush fades, and you become good friends, so you don’t see much of an issue. You play softball and sometimes stare at girls on the fields as much as you do with the boys on the other field, but it’s fine you’re 9-12 going through puberty it’ll fade after it’s over. You keep telling yourself that to make yourself more comfortable, you know that, but what else can you do?
More time passes, and much of what you ever see on TV is blatant homophobia. All you ever hear in music is girls singing about guys and vice versa. You start to wish you could be the guy or smack him upside the head, considering how many of the women’s songs are about heartbreak. But you shove that thought down. You’re already having another crisis. You’ve been told that at 5’1, you stopped growing. The physical part of puberty is officially coming to a close for you. You feel ecstatic at the same time scared because if that look in the magazines taught you anything, it’s that whatever feelings you have for women haven’t faded. They’ve only grown stronger and more noticeable by you even. You can’t help but feel like a freak. This feeling only worsens when you come out to your mother and siblings who are supportive, and your father who is not. He seems neutral leaning on the negative about it,he’s needing time for adjustment mom says, but you secretly hoped as someone who was supposedly your biggest support he’d just be happier for you discovering yourself.
You’re 17 and still have never met a person you know for sure to be like you except for maybe your dad’s uncle Chip, who had probably already passed at that point. You cut off communication with your dad fully due to your father not being a healthy part of your life, so you felt at the time . At this point you’re still pretty unique, but it’s starting to become more accepting gay marriage was/is just about to be just fully legalized and you let yourself feel a bit of pride, a bit of happiness. You’re still the freak who couldn’t handle school assembly (back when you were in regular school) , but you don’t feel bad about any of the other stuff no one makes you feel bad you come out to some people who are generally supportive less than a year after that you barely manage to squeak by in school but you don’t care anymore even if you know the consequences of it.
You’re 18-20, and you feel completely comfortable coming out as nonbinary not that it doesn’t go off without a few snags, but no coming out has ever been perfect. You start seeing more things online, people who are like you in some ways, and different but in the same boat more or less. For the first time, you feel truly seen for your experiences that feeling of familiarity sinks in as if you’d always been there, because in a way you had. But in a way, you’re still scared because your biggest challenge reconnecting with your father still looms over you. But then it goes well he accepts you for all of who you are. It feels like a breath of fresh air after everything you’d been through the past few years.
Then a sudden shift in your identity isn’t what you thought it was, but that’s okay too. Your family is still there, and so is the community. When you finally settle in, they’re still there, and that’s an amazing feeling, one you didn’t think you’d come to in the end. People call you by your preferred name, and you openly talk about top surgery and a legal name change with the right people. Despite everything, you’re still here, and you’re happy. Now stop being me.
I tell you all this to highlight something I was never taught, never particularly encouraged to be gay. For the most part, it was the opposite. I was so obsessed with the idea of cis heterosexual allo-normativity that I never realized there were options because that what I believed was available from books, movies, tv shows,school, with maybe one gay relative that I didn’t really even know. I didn’t even truly grasp fully any part of who I was or that I was allowed to like girls because I never really learned that was okay until 13. I’m not saying we should talk about sex or sexuality with young kids. I’m saying kids should know no matter what they feel about themselves (gender wise) or who they might have a crush on, that they are still loved, belong, and have every right to exist and learn about themselves as far as is appropriate.
No one is forcing their sexuality on your kids. No one is forcing their gender on your kids. We don’t want your straight allo cis kids to grow up to be like us. We want your lgbtq+ kids to grow up healthily and, as stated above, to be able to understand themselves. If you can’t accept that, maybe your head needs to come out of your ass, and you need to take an actual walk outside.
Atlas Ez Poetry 